Why do birds suddenly mean rape? Everytime you are near...

Ah the most famous of Turtles songs, yeah they had more than one. But what does it mean? Why do birds suddenly appear is the first and only line people remember of this song. Okay so it could be innocent.....NEVER. What else has birds? SEX! The birds and the bees motherfucker! No idea what genitalia goes with what flighted beast. Both do have pointy things that expel things at times. Bees generaly appear around flowers in spring and summer, totally consentual. Birds make their fucking nests everywhere, trees, bushes, houses, 80's hair. So no we have established that he bird is a rapist. Now think of that song, now think of people who usually sing it? WOMEN! Women are singing for rape dammit!  Freud was right, they all want a dick.

300 is about sex

300, one of the manliest films about slave owning homosexuals since Robocop. But really the film is straight up about hetrosexual sex and the baby making. And no, I am not talking about that one awkward as fuck sex scene. The entire premise of the film is a allegory that Mr. Sulu himself will Oh My at until asphyxiation. First some MOTHERFUCKING EXPOSITION!

According to this site
www.moviebodycounts.com
the movie 300 has an "on screen bodycount" of 600. Convenient, assuming they are counting the 299 Spartans being killed that leaves us with 301 Persians killed that gives about a 1:1 Spartan to Persian on screen death ratio.

Now upon further study of the creature known as "women" average 400 eggs produced over a lifetime, assuming no pregnancies/missed periods.

Since now you have been successfully exploited we can get to the meat of the sexwhich. Okay as you already know the 300 Spartans are to defend the Hot Gates from a roving band of fetish warriors and thus also protecting Greece. The "Hot Gates" already sound kinky, even more so when you take into account that it is a vagina. The 300 Spartans are the eggs  the woman has produced over a lifetime. The messenger at the beginning of the film? That was pre-ejaculate. And then the Spartans wait and see the Persians riding on rough seas....hmmm I wonder what that symbolizes.......what in sex comes in a liquid substance carrying a couple hundred thousand angry people? Thats right, EJACULATE. Again assuming that it is a 1:1 ratio of on screen deaths we can safely say that the deaths of a Spartan and Persian are not deaths at all, but, depending on how you view conception, the start of a new life. So what is Greece in all this? Thats easy. Greese is the womb. So that is how a movie about sweaty glistening men sticking their spears in people is actually about sex, oh god it was obvious all along!

One Week

According to the Futurmentary "Terminator" Skynet becomes self aware April 19 2011. So we have about one week to do want we want before we get killed by hulking Nude Austrain robots.

A Link in Time

 As we all know Link from Ocarina of Time goes through several time warps, sadly none with Riff Raff, according to Einstein time travel is impossible due to paradoxes, so how can Link jump from Kid to Adult in no time flat. My theory of the whole thing is that the Master Sword is actually parasitic if you will, feeding off the wielder while it is in the pedestal, the entire Temple of Time runs off Link's lifeforce, with the Master Sword bleeding excess energy into time travel. Why do you think it is so unworldly powerful? That power has to come from somewhere and everything has a cost, Link just didn't know it was his life force. While you are playing as a Kid Link, Adult Link is seven years in the future holding the Master Sword, frozen in suspended animation. Never knowing what he is missing. Life very slowly being drained into the blade. As soon as kid Link touches the Master Sword, Adult Link is freed to continue the quest. Now you must ask how can the Links see what the other has? Really they can't. The menu screen is for you, the player and even then you cannot equip Adult Link with Kid Link items. Bottles and the Hylian Shield are an exception due to the fact that they are magical in nature. You find the shield in a grave and even then kid Link cannot use it except for turtle impressions and the bottles can turn one bug into three. At the end of the game where Adult Link is transferred to being a kid again? That is because Kid Link is now Adult Link and is recharging the Master Sword in a feedback loop. Majora's Mask is what happened the first time you get lost in the Lost Woods and don't play the game for a month. How do you think Link gets so damn good with a sword so quick and can talk to Deku Scrubs for discounts? They shoot at you because they don't recognize you without your mask.

Die Hard: An American Documentary

American John McClain kicking pseudo-German ass in a Japanese plaza, what is more American than that? What you may not know is that Die Hard is almost a perfect allegory for World War Two. First you have the set up of a Pseudo German (British Actor Alan Rickman playing a German character) using his charm and wiles to use real Germans (the two German brothers) to take over something that wasn't theirs (Nakatomi Plaza) And just like Hitler, Alan Rickman said he was one thing when he was another. Hitler said he was not going to take the Rhineland but totally did, while Alan Rickman said he was a terrorist when all he really was is a thief. Shit goes down and John McCain finally springs into help when something of his almost gets ruined (his ex-wife, or wife that he hadn't seen in a while, she doesn't matter) He launches an offensive against the lone German dude and totally wrecks his shit but very close to losing his shit as well. This is very clearly Operation Overlord, you may know it as the opening scene from almost every Medal of Honor game or “D-Day”, fun fact D-Day literally means Day-Day. It gives John McClain the MP5 submachine gun that he will use to kick pseudo-German ass for the rest of the film. The two bumbling FBI agents in the film are representative of the British and Soviets from the current American perspective of the war. Americans think they did everything in WW2 while the Brits practically rolled out the red carpet for the SS. The LAPD are a representative of Canada in WW2, again from an American perspective. We Americans think, for the most part that Canada had nothing more than a cheerleader role, let alone that they had a major role in Operation Overlord and almost every other operation in the war, but I digress. You see, Alan Rickman was just biding his time to reach his ultimate goal, bearer bonds. While Hitler just wanted the world. The whole thing about the hostages was really about the Jews. Hitler said it was just temporary as did Alan Rickman. But what they mean by temporary is that it won't last long and it ends in death. When McClain's feet gets all cut up do to the glass, this is an allegory to Operation Market Garden, the first major fuck up by the Americans. We thought that Holland at the time was being held by “Old men and Hitler Youth” and it was straight to Berlin. But we were wrong, dead wrong. Holland was held by the hardest of hardcore solders, the SS Panzer Corps and they found immense joy sending the 101rst and 82nd Airborne packing. And towards the end of the film when Alan Rickman is so desperate that he goes after McClain himself and poses as a scared American? Battle of the Bulge. As you know, Hitler dies as does Alan Rickman, but you may not notice is the nerdy black guy that is doing all the work on the locks actually lives and gets arrested. This is an allegory to the Nazi Scientists being sent to various Allied countries and being used for their own research. America gets the girl (Freedom) and they drive off into the distance to Christmas music, allegory to the fact the solders in the European front are told they will be home by Christmas, and they think all is well with the world.....but they are wrong. Next time: Die Hard 2 is the Cold War!

The Joker is Luke Skywalker

How can I say this? How can I say one of the greatest science fiction movies never happen? Easy, with a heaping helping of insanity. See, it all happened in the Joker's mind. Before the Joker was the Joker he was an out of luck guy trying to be a comedian while trying to support his wife and unborn child. So he strikes up a deal with two mobsters to hit the Ace Chemical Plant while the Not Joker-Joker goes as the Red Hood. Then before he does the job he learns that his wife and child have been killed due to a defective hot plate. This is when he breaks mentally. In Star Wars, when Luke goes to find Ben Kenobi for some reason he comes back and finds Aunt and Uncle Expendable in a charred wreckage of their dirt home. Now the Joker sees all cops as nameless faceless entities of authority, namely Stormtroopers.

With nothing left to lose and a lot of comedic vengeance to wrought he goes on with the plan the mobsters set up, except now he sees the mobsters as a kind old hermit with magic powers and a light based cutting implement. So he goes to it and meets the “terror” of Gotham, or as he sees it the universe, Batman, who he now sees as Darth Vader, a robotic puppet of manipulated feelings and misery from his past. Once Batman accidentally causes Not Joker-Joker to fall in chemicals and causing him to be the Joker, he sees this as a major change in himself so he visualizes it as losing his hand. Why do you think Luke becomes such a badass in the third film? Outside to counteract the Ewoks. Now Joker does not blame Batman for this, just like Luke does not blame Darth, they both just see his adversary as a pawn in the game of the bigger evil. An old man in a position of power but doesn't have the terror factor to make worlds or cities bend to his will, i.e. Commissioner Gordon and The Emperor. 

So that is how Joker is Luke Skywalker. Chewie and Han Solo in the Joker's mind is a old fur coat and a VHS box of Indiana Jones. Leia is Harley Quinn. Also it doesn't help that they both are played by Mark Hamill.

Hop along to Puberty

This weekend box office marked one of the first feature films about the Easter Bunny, aptly named "Hop," a safe children's film about a talking CGI Rabbit that poops Jelly Beans. So how does this film relate to puberty you may be asking? Its not hard to see if you're well above the age demographic for this movie. It pretty much hits you in the head with its CGI Rabbit phallus. Lets run through it shall we? Outside of the establishing shot of Easter Island, it shows a very thin handled gold scepter with a rather bulbous ruby ornament, to the older, yet still very immature, it looks like a penis and the first shot of it is it being carried overhead on a pillow through a hallways that looks oddly like a vagina. If this wasn't the only instance I would not be posting this, but thankfully it is not. So the Son of the Easter Bunny, named "E.B." doesn't want to be the Easter Bunny he wants to be a drummer then marry Katy Perry. Like all movie parents, the Easter Bunny doesn't want none of that Jelly Bean and tells his kid no, you can't drum and Katy Perry is in an open relationship with Elmo and the Cookie Monster. Doing what movie kids do they use magic transporters to get the Hollywood sign somehow. And thus the second hit with rabbit dick happens. The Easter Bunny sends out the "Pink Berets" to get his son back and make him come back and be an adult. Which is what happens when you hit puberty, you have to put kid stuff behind (for the most part) and take responsibilty. And if that wasn't enough later in the film useless human main character finds said "Pink Berets" and says the words "Hey, you aren't so scary in person," just like puberty. People say it is bad but it is not so bad when you go through it. Then after that exchange they pelt his face with darts, they represent zits ( I did not come up with that allegory). And if that wasn't enough the Pink Berets names are, Fluffy, Patch and Bit, I mean come on! Its so plain to see. And as you already know he goes back and accepts his fate, but the movie cannot end the sexual ambiguty there, oh no. Somehow useless human character is in Easter Island Poop Factory, He becomes the co-easter bunny somehow and the Easter Bunny makes him kneel and touch his now glowing phallic scepter, then after he is "dubbed" the human takes his hand and looks at it like there is now something on it. So that is how Hop is Puberty. Oh and the Spanish Head Chick that wants to be a Rabbit and gets his wish by becoming a rabbit? Sex Change Operations.