Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Evil Dead is America


The movie starts off with Ash Williams and his three other compatriots finding a cabin. They state that they have just found this place and they want to stay here, even though they did not know who owned it or if anyone lived there. Very similar to the Columbus expedition and the European settlement of the Americas. The early settlers also didn’t know whose land it was but they stayed there anyway. Like the early settlers the group of teens knew nothing of what they were getting themselves into. The settlers had to deal with freezing weather, no knowledge of the lay of the land and no way to go back home. The group on the other hand had to deal with demon trees, allegory for the unknown terrain the settlers had to face. In the cabin the teens found a recording of a man reading passages from the Necronomicon. After the recording is finished an ancient evil is released from slumber and it starts attacking the teens. This is a metaphor of John Locke’s works influencing the colonist’s viewpoint on freedom. After which Ash tries to leave the cabin but is stopped by the bridge that they took a few hours earlier being out. The evil attacking the teens is an allegory of the Boston Massacre; the bridge being out was a metaphor on how no matter what happens there was no turning back now for the colonists. In the film the evil possess a teen and makes her attack the other teens. Just like how the early days of the revolution was countrymen against countrymen.
In the second film “Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn,” Ash is the only survivor of the great evil, having to kill his own friends just to survive the night. Like the early colonists, Ash did not think he would have a chance against such insurmountable odds. At the quarter mark of the film, Ash's hand gets taken over by the evil and it attempts to kill him. In the early months of the American Revolution, the lack of basic supplies: food, blankets, ammunition and medicine, made daily desertions commonplace in most forts, essentially killing the war effort. Congress, lacking the funds, deny Washington's plea for more supplies; this leads to a smaller, better army to go against the English. Ash on the other hand decides to cut his demon hand off with a chainsaw. Seeing as how he suddenly became an amputee while fighting an ancient evil; Ash does not see this as a problem, for he customizes the chainsaw to fit his nub and making a chest rig so he can start it . Using his chainsaw appendage, he was easily able to defeat the evil, and send it back using the Necronomicon. The passage Ash reads from the Necronimicon creates a temporal rift and sends the evil to an unknown place and time but, in doing so, Ash is sent along with it. This is a metaphor for how after the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the war was no longer about ideals but for a country.
In the third film “Army of Darkness” Ash is transported to an unknown time in English history, this is a metaphor of how the landscape of the war changed after the signing of the Declaration. In the film Ash is again possessed by evil, this time however, instead of lobbing off an appendage, he splits into two entities “Evil Ash” and “Good Ash.” Evil Ash then leads an army of the undead to try and steal the Necronomicon. This is an allegory to General Benedict Arnold's defect to the British Army to aid in the destruction of the newly created United States. Ash aids a band of knights to help repel the army of darkness and to stop them from getting the Necronomicon and the midpoint of the fight another kingdom comes to the rescue when all seemed lost. During the American Revolution several countries aided the colonists after the Battle of Saratoga, giving aid, supplies or training for the troops. The aid those countries gave the new country helped set the stage for an entirely different history. One where freedom is a right to fight for and not a privilege.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Doc Brown will become a vampire.

Ah Doctor Emmet Brown. Everyones favorite quasi-pedo science dude right after Bill Nye the molestation guy. After the events of Part 3 (yes it is canon) what happens to Doc Brown? He brought his family back from 1860's west to now 1980's Pine Valley. So lets go over the implications of that shall we? First of all they can't drink the water. They are used to water filled to the brim with alkaline metals and parasites that get stuck in your urethra if given a chance. Also, Mercury was the Kool-Aid of the time so all the kids wanted it mixed with a heaping helping dose of cocaine (or as they call it crazy sugar), They would not have that shit if it wasn't in their favorite lead drinking container. The first drink of water they get will cause them dysentary. If I remember correctly he had two sons so the youngest will die a horrid poopy death. So cross his name off the list. Next up is general intellegence. With the aforementioned mercury colonics smartness goes down with every silvery ounce that goes up the bum. So I assume the kid is 12ish, so assuming he got one everyday (It was kept secret from Doc Brown) he got 4380 anal cleanings. So with that he has to intellect of a European Tick. So you know what he goes and does to get himself killed? He thinks the Families nuclear reactor is a microwave and cooks a pizza pocket in it. Unbeknownst to him there was a recall on those pocket pizzas pertaining to the cheese accidently being replaced with whale semen. So he dies because he has a seafood allergy.So there goes number two. All that is left is the wife, being a native of 1860's America and one of the first settlers to the west, outside of Clint Eastwood, she has a general intolerance for non-whitey. And it being modern day California your nieghbor could be Pakistani and his nieghbor could be a Best Korea refugee (If your nieghbor is a Best Korea refugee, please call Kim Jong Il and report them. He misses them for tea) So with that, she will make some racist remark and get thrown in jail for a hate crime and if Skinimax documentaries on womens prisons are true she will be killed the most kinky way possible. Possibly with a toilet wine colonic gone wrong. Doc is hurt because he lost everything. Marty becomes Micheal J Fox and wants nothing to do with him. So he decides to take time into his own hands.

So how does this equate to vampirism? Easy. Doc uses his time train or DeLorean to time warp to steal TARDIS, probably from the 9th Doctor while he is pedophiling for Manchester United. Using Duct Tape he activates TARDIS  and gets the DeLorean to 88 thus taking him to two pasts or a future past or something. The duct tape may interfere with it who knows. So he gets to a Vampire earth and contracts it. Using his awesome gentic skills he puts Einstien's Brain (the dog) in the body of a dragon. Living life and such, his wife dies of vampirbeetus leaving him, his young daughter and dragon dog. So he goes back to regular Earth and tries to start anew. The keep the drogon dog underneth the stairs. His daughter needs a husband and he wants grandkids. Being the only Vamps in a world of non-vamps. He crafts her a husband from spare parts. They immediatly fall in love and wed. But a Frankenstien Monster and Vampire cannot mate! Something to do with the clitoris, I don't know. So he uses gene splicing to craft a child, but sadly he didn't clean dog hair out of the test tubes and it came out with lycanthropy. Also known as werewolfism. But they love the child anyway and that is how the Munsters came to be.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Why do birds suddenly mean rape? Everytime you are near...

Ah the most famous of Turtles songs, yeah they had more than one. But what does it mean? Why do birds suddenly appear is the first and only line people remember of this song. Okay so it could be innocent.....NEVER. What else has birds? SEX! The birds and the bees motherfucker! No idea what genitalia goes with what flighted beast. Both do have pointy things that expel things at times. Bees generaly appear around flowers in spring and summer, totally consentual. Birds make their fucking nests everywhere, trees, bushes, houses, 80's hair. So no we have established that he bird is a rapist. Now think of that song, now think of people who usually sing it? WOMEN! Women are singing for rape dammit!  Freud was right, they all want a dick.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

300 is about sex

300, one of the manliest films about slave owning homosexuals since Robocop. But really the film is straight up about hetrosexual sex and the baby making. And no, I am not talking about that one awkward as fuck sex scene. The entire premise of the film is a allegory that Mr. Sulu himself will Oh My at until asphyxiation. First some MOTHERFUCKING EXPOSITION!

According to this site
www.moviebodycounts.com
the movie 300 has an "on screen bodycount" of 600. Convenient, assuming they are counting the 299 Spartans being killed that leaves us with 301 Persians killed that gives about a 1:1 Spartan to Persian on screen death ratio.

Now upon further study of the creature known as "women" average 400 eggs produced over a lifetime, assuming no pregnancies/missed periods.

Since now you have been successfully exploited we can get to the meat of the sexwhich. Okay as you already know the 300 Spartans are to defend the Hot Gates from a roving band of fetish warriors and thus also protecting Greece. The "Hot Gates" already sound kinky, even more so when you take into account that it is a vagina. The 300 Spartans are the eggs  the woman has produced over a lifetime. The messenger at the beginning of the film? That was pre-ejaculate. And then the Spartans wait and see the Persians riding on rough seas....hmmm I wonder what that symbolizes.......what in sex comes in a liquid substance carrying a couple hundred thousand angry people? Thats right, EJACULATE. Again assuming that it is a 1:1 ratio of on screen deaths we can safely say that the deaths of a Spartan and Persian are not deaths at all, but, depending on how you view conception, the start of a new life. So what is Greece in all this? Thats easy. Greese is the womb. So that is how a movie about sweaty glistening men sticking their spears in people is actually about sex, oh god it was obvious all along!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

One Week

According to the Futurmentary "Terminator" Skynet becomes self aware April 19 2011. So we have about one week to do want we want before we get killed by hulking Nude Austrain robots.

A Link in Time

 As we all know Link from Ocarina of Time goes through several time warps, sadly none with Riff Raff, according to Einstein time travel is impossible due to paradoxes, so how can Link jump from Kid to Adult in no time flat. My theory of the whole thing is that the Master Sword is actually parasitic if you will, feeding off the wielder while it is in the pedestal, the entire Temple of Time runs off Link's lifeforce, with the Master Sword bleeding excess energy into time travel. Why do you think it is so unworldly powerful? That power has to come from somewhere and everything has a cost, Link just didn't know it was his life force. While you are playing as a Kid Link, Adult Link is seven years in the future holding the Master Sword, frozen in suspended animation. Never knowing what he is missing. Life very slowly being drained into the blade. As soon as kid Link touches the Master Sword, Adult Link is freed to continue the quest. Now you must ask how can the Links see what the other has? Really they can't. The menu screen is for you, the player and even then you cannot equip Adult Link with Kid Link items. Bottles and the Hylian Shield are an exception due to the fact that they are magical in nature. You find the shield in a grave and even then kid Link cannot use it except for turtle impressions and the bottles can turn one bug into three. At the end of the game where Adult Link is transferred to being a kid again? That is because Kid Link is now Adult Link and is recharging the Master Sword in a feedback loop. Majora's Mask is what happened the first time you get lost in the Lost Woods and don't play the game for a month. How do you think Link gets so damn good with a sword so quick and can talk to Deku Scrubs for discounts? They shoot at you because they don't recognize you without your mask.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Die Hard: An American Documentary


American John McClain kicking pseudo-German ass in a Japanese plaza, what is more American than that? What you may not know is that Die Hard is almost a perfect allegory for World War Two. First you have the set up of a Pseudo German (British Actor Alan Rickman playing a German character) using his charm and wiles to use real Germans (the two German brothers) to take over something that wasn't theirs (Nakatomi Plaza) And just like Hitler, Alan Rickman said he was one thing when he was another. Hitler said he was not going to take the Rhineland but totally did, while Alan Rickman said he was a terrorist when all he really was is a thief. Shit goes down and John McCain finally springs into help when something of his almost gets ruined (his ex-wife, or wife that he hadn't seen in a while, she doesn't matter) He launches an offensive against the lone German dude and totally wrecks his shit but very close to losing his shit as well. This is very clearly Operation Overlord, you may know it as the opening scene from almost every Medal of Honor game or “D-Day”, fun fact D-Day literally means Day-Day. It gives John McClain the MP5 submachine gun that he will use to kick pseudo-German ass for the rest of the film. The two bumbling FBI agents in the film are representative of the British and Soviets from the current American perspective of the war. Americans think they did everything in WW2 while the Brits practically rolled out the red carpet for the SS. The LAPD are a representative of Canada in WW2, again from an American perspective. We Americans think, for the most part that Canada had nothing more than a cheerleader role, let alone that they had a major role in Operation Overlord and almost every other operation in the war, but I digress. You see, Alan Rickman was just biding his time to reach his ultimate goal, bearer bonds. While Hitler just wanted the world. The whole thing about the hostages was really about the Jews. Hitler said it was just temporary as did Alan Rickman. But what they mean by temporary is that it won't last long and it ends in death. When McClain's feet gets all cut up do to the glass, this is an allegory to Operation Market Garden, the first major fuck up by the Americans. We thought that Holland at the time was being held by “Old men and Hitler Youth” and it was straight to Berlin. But we were wrong, dead wrong. Holland was held by the hardest of hardcore solders, the SS Panzer Corps and they found immense joy sending the 101rst and 82nd Airborne packing. And towards the end of the film when Alan Rickman is so desperate that he goes after McClain himself and poses as a scared American? Battle of the Bulge. As you know, Hitler dies as does Alan Rickman, but you may not notice is the nerdy black guy that is doing all the work on the locks actually lives and gets arrested. This is an allegory to the Nazi Scientists being sent to various Allied countries and being used for their own research. America gets the girl (Freedom) and they drive off into the distance to Christmas music, allegory to the fact the solders in the European front are told they will be home by Christmas, and they think all is well with the world.....but they are wrong. Next time: Die Hard 2 is the Cold War!