Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Evil Dead is America


The movie starts off with Ash Williams and his three other compatriots finding a cabin. They state that they have just found this place and they want to stay here, even though they did not know who owned it or if anyone lived there. Very similar to the Columbus expedition and the European settlement of the Americas. The early settlers also didn’t know whose land it was but they stayed there anyway. Like the early settlers the group of teens knew nothing of what they were getting themselves into. The settlers had to deal with freezing weather, no knowledge of the lay of the land and no way to go back home. The group on the other hand had to deal with demon trees, allegory for the unknown terrain the settlers had to face. In the cabin the teens found a recording of a man reading passages from the Necronomicon. After the recording is finished an ancient evil is released from slumber and it starts attacking the teens. This is a metaphor of John Locke’s works influencing the colonist’s viewpoint on freedom. After which Ash tries to leave the cabin but is stopped by the bridge that they took a few hours earlier being out. The evil attacking the teens is an allegory of the Boston Massacre; the bridge being out was a metaphor on how no matter what happens there was no turning back now for the colonists. In the film the evil possess a teen and makes her attack the other teens. Just like how the early days of the revolution was countrymen against countrymen.
In the second film “Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn,” Ash is the only survivor of the great evil, having to kill his own friends just to survive the night. Like the early colonists, Ash did not think he would have a chance against such insurmountable odds. At the quarter mark of the film, Ash's hand gets taken over by the evil and it attempts to kill him. In the early months of the American Revolution, the lack of basic supplies: food, blankets, ammunition and medicine, made daily desertions commonplace in most forts, essentially killing the war effort. Congress, lacking the funds, deny Washington's plea for more supplies; this leads to a smaller, better army to go against the English. Ash on the other hand decides to cut his demon hand off with a chainsaw. Seeing as how he suddenly became an amputee while fighting an ancient evil; Ash does not see this as a problem, for he customizes the chainsaw to fit his nub and making a chest rig so he can start it . Using his chainsaw appendage, he was easily able to defeat the evil, and send it back using the Necronomicon. The passage Ash reads from the Necronimicon creates a temporal rift and sends the evil to an unknown place and time but, in doing so, Ash is sent along with it. This is a metaphor for how after the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the war was no longer about ideals but for a country.
In the third film “Army of Darkness” Ash is transported to an unknown time in English history, this is a metaphor of how the landscape of the war changed after the signing of the Declaration. In the film Ash is again possessed by evil, this time however, instead of lobbing off an appendage, he splits into two entities “Evil Ash” and “Good Ash.” Evil Ash then leads an army of the undead to try and steal the Necronomicon. This is an allegory to General Benedict Arnold's defect to the British Army to aid in the destruction of the newly created United States. Ash aids a band of knights to help repel the army of darkness and to stop them from getting the Necronomicon and the midpoint of the fight another kingdom comes to the rescue when all seemed lost. During the American Revolution several countries aided the colonists after the Battle of Saratoga, giving aid, supplies or training for the troops. The aid those countries gave the new country helped set the stage for an entirely different history. One where freedom is a right to fight for and not a privilege.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Doc Brown will become a vampire.

Ah Doctor Emmet Brown. Everyones favorite quasi-pedo science dude right after Bill Nye the molestation guy. After the events of Part 3 (yes it is canon) what happens to Doc Brown? He brought his family back from 1860's west to now 1980's Pine Valley. So lets go over the implications of that shall we? First of all they can't drink the water. They are used to water filled to the brim with alkaline metals and parasites that get stuck in your urethra if given a chance. Also, Mercury was the Kool-Aid of the time so all the kids wanted it mixed with a heaping helping dose of cocaine (or as they call it crazy sugar), They would not have that shit if it wasn't in their favorite lead drinking container. The first drink of water they get will cause them dysentary. If I remember correctly he had two sons so the youngest will die a horrid poopy death. So cross his name off the list. Next up is general intellegence. With the aforementioned mercury colonics smartness goes down with every silvery ounce that goes up the bum. So I assume the kid is 12ish, so assuming he got one everyday (It was kept secret from Doc Brown) he got 4380 anal cleanings. So with that he has to intellect of a European Tick. So you know what he goes and does to get himself killed? He thinks the Families nuclear reactor is a microwave and cooks a pizza pocket in it. Unbeknownst to him there was a recall on those pocket pizzas pertaining to the cheese accidently being replaced with whale semen. So he dies because he has a seafood allergy.So there goes number two. All that is left is the wife, being a native of 1860's America and one of the first settlers to the west, outside of Clint Eastwood, she has a general intolerance for non-whitey. And it being modern day California your nieghbor could be Pakistani and his nieghbor could be a Best Korea refugee (If your nieghbor is a Best Korea refugee, please call Kim Jong Il and report them. He misses them for tea) So with that, she will make some racist remark and get thrown in jail for a hate crime and if Skinimax documentaries on womens prisons are true she will be killed the most kinky way possible. Possibly with a toilet wine colonic gone wrong. Doc is hurt because he lost everything. Marty becomes Micheal J Fox and wants nothing to do with him. So he decides to take time into his own hands.

So how does this equate to vampirism? Easy. Doc uses his time train or DeLorean to time warp to steal TARDIS, probably from the 9th Doctor while he is pedophiling for Manchester United. Using Duct Tape he activates TARDIS  and gets the DeLorean to 88 thus taking him to two pasts or a future past or something. The duct tape may interfere with it who knows. So he gets to a Vampire earth and contracts it. Using his awesome gentic skills he puts Einstien's Brain (the dog) in the body of a dragon. Living life and such, his wife dies of vampirbeetus leaving him, his young daughter and dragon dog. So he goes back to regular Earth and tries to start anew. The keep the drogon dog underneth the stairs. His daughter needs a husband and he wants grandkids. Being the only Vamps in a world of non-vamps. He crafts her a husband from spare parts. They immediatly fall in love and wed. But a Frankenstien Monster and Vampire cannot mate! Something to do with the clitoris, I don't know. So he uses gene splicing to craft a child, but sadly he didn't clean dog hair out of the test tubes and it came out with lycanthropy. Also known as werewolfism. But they love the child anyway and that is how the Munsters came to be.